In this week’s Claire-ification, Claire tackles the issue of seemingly the entire world saying they have a gluten intolerance.

Have you ever had a dinner guest say: “Hey man, I hope you didn’t make anything with asparagus, dude, because I have a gluten intolerance.”

When this happens I say “Are you also allergic to onions? Garlic? Chives? No? Then you’re not allergic to asparagus either…  if you have a reaction to one member of the lilicae family then you should be sensitive to all of them… you just don’t like to get the smelly pee that you get from asparagus, don’t you!?  Get out of my house you liar…

Of course that’s just me.  But this happens a lot.  People claiming to have a food allergy when it’s actually a preference.  They are hassling you so they don’t have to go through the trouble of pushing something off the side of their plate.  You’ve spent hours making some tasty pretty food, and this clown has no problem lying to guilt you into going to a bunch of extra trouble, making a whole other thing just for him.  Such a lazy selfish jerk should not be invited to dinner in other people’s homes.  That guy should have to cook for himself and stay at home forever.  Again, maybe that’s just me.

You should all be mad at people like this,  because this happens a lot and now, when people tell us they have a food allergy we don’t believe them.  Classic boy who cried wolf.  Stop lying about this stuff! Its’ serious. People can die!  You want people to die because you can’t stop inconveniencing your friends.  Shame on you.

And then there’s all you gluten people, thinking you’ve got some sort of gluten intolerance.  You read a thing somewhere that if you’ve got these generic symptoms then you’re gluten intolerant.  And another thing that says about half of all people now are thought to be gluten sensitive and this and that. “Oh this must also include me”, you think.  And then you read one of the side effects of this avoidance is weight loss.  “Hmmm”,  you think.  “That’s a great way to lose weight AND be a real pain at parties!”.  You’re feeling a bit dyspeptic and you turn to the popular culprit.

Doctors say that symptoms of a food intolerance can include any number of stomach problems, a lack of concentration, migraines, aches and pains, skin or respiratory problems,  rashes and skin symptoms, even brain fog and fatigue.  You’ve just described a regular day in the life of every woman alive.  At least you’ve narrowed it down.  One of these doctors,  who believe half of all people are sensitive, says about a third of those he’s diagnosed report brain fog and headaches as their symptoms.  Great detective work doctors.  You’ve just described me every Monday.  I’m glad that 5 million dollar study paid off.

In reality only up to 1.0 percent of people in the United States have a gluten intolerance.  You think you’re one of them? It was more likely that unwashed apple you ate for lunch.

Look, if you always get sick after eating a piece of dry toast then get back to me.  Otherwise, it’s more likely that you’re just buying into the hype.

Did you know there’s no actual test for gluten sensitivity, so it’s impossible to say for sure.  Which is another way of saying nobody knows.  So all these studies are really just opinions, of doctors who want to be right, and others who want to sell you a book.  So people will believe  they have a gluten intolerance because they have a rumbly tummy.  There isn’t one gluten intolerant person in China.  They’re selling extra gluten in stores there.

You want to blame something, blame yourself.  It’s you who says you have a gluten intolerance, not a doctor, since even doctors admit there’s no reliable test.  And if you’re diagnosing yourself Dr. Egghead then you have a fool for a patient.  Because here’s what happens when you go to the doctor:  you say you haven’t really been keeping track but you get sick when you eat this thing, the doctor says ‘hmmm’, then says you need to follow a gluten free diet, having no idea what he’s recommending and relying on his patient for the diagnosis.  So now you’re suspicions have been confirmed by an idiot who was only taking your word on it anyway, and now you’re gonna go all crazy and get rid of all the gluten in your diet, in your life and in your fridge.  Then you throw out your kids gummy bears because you don’t wanna be tempted.

So you eliminate all bread and cereal and this and that.  And then your symptoms miraculously go away.  But you’re still eating ketchup, instant coffee, smoked bacon, pickles, nuts, and you lick envelopes and use soap in the shower.  All these usually have traces of gluten sweetie.  So if you’re better, you’ve been barking up the wrong tree.

It’s this kind of cliff diving lemming behavior that makes it possible for companies to sell us a bullcrap diet or book or food we don’t need and make a ton of our money on it.  It’s because we all want an answer, a reason for our symptoms.  Maybe it’s too much sugar, too little protein, too many carbs?  Too much coffee, not enough water!  Not enough exercise and too much TV…    maybe its lack of sleep from staying up all night believing every chat room  on the internet.

It’s not one thing,  get it through your heads.  It’s not one thing.  It’s everything.  There are way too many foods, chemicals, garbage going into our stomachs, up our noses, getting soaked through our skin, all the hell we put our bodies through every day and you really think we can pinpoint one thing for everything that’s wrong with us?

Why can’t you just admit that gluten intolerance is a fad diet. Don’t pretend you have a gluten intolerance. That means there’s something wrong with you.  You think  it’s better to tell people your genetically defective than to admit your trying to lose 10 pounds? You think people believe anyone when they blame their weight problem on an overactive thyroid?  Nobody believes that..and no one believes you when you say you’re allergic to gluten.

If you were really that sick you’d be keeping a detailed food diary.  So if you don’t have one, get one, grab a pen, write “I eat too much junk and I need to stop believing everything I read” and get some sleep.