A couple things about Las Vegas…

Firstly, the name means “the meadow”, which I think is a funny name for a dried up wasteland a hundred miles from everywhere, but maybe that’s just me.

Secondly, they have a surcharge charge for everything. Even things you didn’t know existed. And what’s up with all the lame celebrity chef restaurants?! One of the saddest is Gordon Ramsay’s Pub & Grill. The menu is so predictable, I guessed half of it before we even arrived. For you Americans they have classic British favorites like “this is all we can get to grow here” beets and “we reheated this just for you” shepherd’s pie. For a guy who doesn’t hesitate to throw knives at others making subpar food on TV he sure seems to specialize in it. You’d think a chef with so many years of experience could come up with something a little more creative at his Las Vegas restaurant than mac n’ cheese — with truffle oil, in case you were questioning the $18 price tag. He should change the name to “This is my last chance to insult Americans before I get murdered by a vengeful Hell’s Kitchen contestant Pub & Grill”. Need further proof that Las Vegas is where talent goes to die? I saw a guy who made it to the final 4 on America’s Got Talent breakdancing on a corner for tips. That’s just depressing…

In Vegas there’s also this CNF charge we noticed on some of the receipts. It’s in addition to the tax. Upon asking we were informed that the CNF charge is actually a tax because the place is attached to a casino. And I guess they can’t just reach into your wallet so they have to get creative. On top of the airline fuel surcharge fee, baggage fee, sales tax, room resort fees, fee for being white, working hot water and water pressure, having to pay an extra 4% on our restaurant bill because they built their place on prime real estate seems a little bit “not my freaking problem”, doesn’t it? I didn’t sign the lease. It wasn’t my decision to feed a captive audience in a 0% humidity desert sinkhole. What’s the matter, the $16 watered down cocktails aren’t keeping you afloat? And the nerve of Vegas calling itself a family friendly ‘resort town’ when it could technically be called a ‘mid desert rip-off business co-op with tax-paying hookers’. When their business dips there’s a 4% WTF fee on the hookers receipt. That’s the “Won’t Tell your Family” fee. The only fee I’ll happily pay is the hotel MDJ fee (Maid Did her Job), where for a small charge they’ll clear the alarm clock so you don’t get woken up at 5 am like the last poor convention goer that occupied the room. Yeah, that was annoying. Next they’ll have a surcharge for breathing. And I’m thinking that a city that is in a constant state of “tear it down and build it bigger” by blaring horns, sirens and bulldozers in the wee hours of dawn should not be allowed to charge a ‘resort’ fee. Why don’t they just call it what it is? A “we-can-call-it-whatever-we-want-because-we’re-all-hot-ticked-off-desert-trudging-aspiring-actress-below-minimum-wage-cocktail-transportation-specialists-with-no-clue-what-that-charge-is-and-anyway-you’re-too-drunk-to-notice” fee.

And don’t get me started on Serendipity frrrozen hot chocolate. That’s a lie. It’s never been hot chocolate. They don’t freeze any hot chocolate. And it’s all because of Sex and the City! Just like that Tasty Delite garbage. What’s next? I hear in the new movie Samantha finally hits menopause and now the frrrozen hot chocolate is hot again so it’s hot frrrrrozen hot chocolate which was once hot before it was frrrozen and finally reheated. It’s got seven R’s now though, so now its 12 dollars instead of 10. Not even on the hottest day in Vegas, bro!

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