Firstly, these are very pretty places to walk into, aren’t they? There’s always like a big Buddha fountain or a tranquil coy pond, which you’re not allowed to touch. A polite hostess in a tight Kimono smiles sweetly and leads you to a table in a huge arena sized room that looks like a high school cafeteria, except unlike high school, everyone here is shorter than you. You debate leaving your purse behind to hit the buffet, but leave it anyway and follow the food. Here’s where the adventure starts.

Grabbing a plate from a spring loaded stack you quickly survey the offerings and try to decide where to go first. You can’t tell the difference between the desserts and the appetizers, but the seafood looks familiar so you start there. This is gonna be awesome, you say to yourself, and contemplate bringing along two plates just to be sure you get everything for your first course. Mmmm chilled seafood, crab legs, shrimp..hey! These have the heads and shells still on! Rrrgh! I have to yank off all those little faces and legs and de-turd my own shrimp and get all that crud under my nails and stuff? Awww great! At least the shellfish is fresh, maybe a little too fresh. Are clams supposed to be eaten raw? Maybe I should ask someone..but who? Will they just give me a blank stare and say something in Chinese? I don’t look Chinese, so why would they answer my English question in Chinese. I gotta find out about these clams though so here goes….well, that didn’t work, so moving on to the — ooo, baked salmon. That looks nice, a little dry but if I can just get a piece separated… awww crud I got salmon juice on me… that’s a tough salmon, maybe that other fish will — whoa that’s not fish, that’s not fish.  Hmm this is starting to seem like less of a good deal.

I’ll get some sushi and stuff then, you can’t go wrong with sushi, right? And some fresh slices of melon or whatever that is. That’s strange, that thing over there next to the chicken wings. That looks like flan. Can’t be, cuz why would they put the flan next to the chicken wings?  There’s a whole dessert island over there, if that’s a flan then that’s where it belongs. Sure looks like flan. I’m sure its some kind of casserole or something. I’ll put it here next to my dry salmon and chicken wings. Hey that is flan! What’s flan doing on the meat island..? And flan is Mexican, why is that even here. Great, now I’ve got flan sauce all over my salmon. I could get a new plate but these people are starting to look impatient. I’ll just eat it. What next:  Jell-O in the beef and broccoli? Wow! Most of these crab legs are hollow!… And apparently you CAN go wrong with sushi… looks like I’ll have lots of room for dessert. All that cake stuff looks great!  Green cakes and pink cakes and yellow cakes and things that used to be cakes but are all rolled up, and Rice Krispy Treats. What’s that say?  Mung bean cake… hmm, I thought it was strawberry. Oh well. Everyone else is taking one so here goes. Lots of little colored cakes here. Rice Krispy Treat looks ok.  Maybe the third trip is the charm. Cake kinda spongy, not very moist, what flavor is this thing – that’s not chocolate!!! That’s not chocolate! Where’s my scalding hot cup of tea, I gotta wash this down… Maybe the Rice Krispy Treat next. Good old Rice Krispy Treats, can’t go wrong with those… oh… apparently you can. That’s neither Rice Krispies nor marshmallows… Look at this mess! Have I even eaten anything really? Certainly not $24 worth. My crab is hollow, my salmon has flan on it, what am I supposed to eat? Maybe this harmless looking little dumpling… aww, what is that??

You know what? Fine! I’ll peel my own shrimp. Where’s the cocktail sauce?